A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Five-gaited Horse

Start, stop, stumble, stagger and fall. 

The Horse in the Ice Cream Shop

A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll have a chocolate ice cream cone," the horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get that many horses around here!" The horse replied, "Well, it's no wonder for $9 a cone!"

 How to Ride

JUNIOR: Daddy, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath his belly, catches hold of its tail and finishes on the horse's neck!
FATHER: That's nothing. I did all that the first time I rode a horse!

 One Spur

A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."

What Happened in Texas?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't wanna have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink and walked outside, to find that his horse had been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 The Eastern Lady

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of saddle do you want, English or Western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "pfft, if the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

First Coat's Dry

The cowboy rushed into a saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. "'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?" The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like to know, the first coat's dry!"

 City Folks

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend exclaimed, impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."

 Found'er

One morning, the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses. He fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset, the farmer opened the door to the barn and found his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed. The farmer yelled to his wife, "FOUND'ER!"